it's been a while

i know it's been a while since my last blog but ihave been super busy with havng to take hayden to the doctors and him being sick and everything. he is starting to feel better so that is good. i thought he would be sick for a lot longer than what he was. my poor baby. i fely so helpless. like i had no idea what to do because his doctor waas not really helping me out. go firgure right.

i guess i just didn't know what to expect when he first got sick.

you know i was laying in bed last night and all i could think of was that this will be my 2nd mothers day. i can't believe it. it seems like i just brought hayden home frome the hospital but here he is going to be 2 this year. what happend to the little baby that i brought home.i feel like he went from being a little baby to being a toddler all in like 48 hours. just everything is going by so quickly and i can't believe it. there have been so many times where i have wanted to have that little baby back because then i imight sleep through the night again, but then again maybe not. so i guess it's a toss up between wanting the little baby back and having the toddler. i mean he is a lot more fun being a toddler and some of the things that he does is just too funny at times. but i miss the little popye face that he used to give everyone. and he used to soooo easy to carry around now i get a workout just by picking him up.lol. i know that sounds really bad on my part because he weights so much but he is happy and healthy so i guess that's all that matters at the moment.

i just recently decided to just take a day at a time and see how that goes instead of just planning ahead all the time. i don't think that i can live my life like that anymore. it was just too busy and i never found any time for myself unless my mom was home. i hated running around constantly. and i was always so tired. now i don't know if this is going to work out for me but it is worth a try right. as my mom would say you have to give it the old college try.

there have been so many times where i don't know what i would without my mom in my life. she means the world to me. and in the past i know that i have not said all the "thank yous" and the "pleases" that i should have said but my mom is my best friend. we go out shopping together and out to dinner, we rent movies together and everything. she is a huge part of my life. there was once in my life that i was so afraid that i was going to loose her and that was in 2006 when she had a heartattack. i blam it on that damn big mac from mcdonalds the night before. but shse just laughs at me. i just hope she understands and knows just how much she means to me and how much i love her.

i know this blog is kinda all over the place but right now that is how the inside of my head is. it's like everything is all jumbled up like the street light went out and everyone just thinks it's their turn to go even though the person across the street has been waiting forever to turn the corner messed up. i gueess my head just gets overloaded with things that it just does not know what to do with it all. i don't know after a while everything gets all sorted out. and it all goes back to somewhat normal.

i guess i just don't care anymore.

Why does it seems like so many people just look right by me.
It's like I'm not the pretty or popular girl so no one wants me.
I will akways be the friend or just the girl that no one thinks of in a romantic way.
I just don't see why I'm so different than any other girl in the world.
I mean what makes me seem like I'm not datable.
Why do I always have to be left behind? What is it about me that guys don't find attractive? i just don't get it.
Why can't guys just look past the way that i look and see the real me. the me that's on the inside.
The me that really should count.
I am not the type of girl that is all into clothes and looks. so what? why do all girls have to fit this mold for guys.
Guys think that all girls should be skinny and wear 10 pounds of make-up and have their hair done all the time.
WELL THAT IS NOT ME!!!!! GET OVER IT!!!!!!!
TAKE ME AS I AM, OR NOT TAKE ME AT ALL.


thanks for letting me vent.