Friday, April 16, 2010

recent happenings

I know that it has been a very long time since i last blogged i have been trying to get some things figured out in my life and right now they are not looking so great but i guess that's how things work, i know that god only gives us what he thinks that we can handle but come on this is a bit much. i feel like i am always tredding water and bearly keeping my head above water.

I have recently started seeing this guy that i have known my whole life, we met when i was 8yrs old at church and we recently got back intouch with eachother. it feels great to have him back in my life, we have just picked up where we had left off in the begining, he makes me feel amazing and truly loved and wanted all the time, and he is the sweetest towards my son. which is great that i have found someone that has accepted me and my son with open arms, i know in my heart that we are ment to be together and so right now we are just taking things slow, which is fine by me.

hayden is now going through this stage where he says "ok fine" to everything!!!! and when i call him to come and do something he says "ok coming!!!!" and he yells it down the hallway or from where ever he is in the house. he has just turned into the biggest ham ever, and i thank god everyday for what he has given me. i know that things may be hard right now because of everything that is going on in my life but when that little boy smiles at me or gives me a hug or a kiss it seems like everything will be alright. there is nothing more satisfying than to have your child give you a hug or a kiss out of the blue and just for the hell of it!!! i am truly the luckiest girl right now, i have two amazing men in my life and i thank god everyday for the gifts that he has given me in my life.

i know that god has great things planned for me but sometimes i am just so impaitent to when the good things will start coming my way, i know i have been told that all good things come in due time, but i think that right now is my due time. i have been put through so much shit in my lifetime that i just wish things would just work out perfect for me. but i know in the long run that the goals that i have for myself are not going to be easy getting to so i know that i have a long way up this very steep hill to go before i get to where i want to be. but i know that i have the strength and ability to do it and i have great friends and family to stand behind and next to me while i try to accomplish my goals. thank you to everyone that i have in my life without you i wouldn't be who i am today!!!!! i love you all!!!!

my god be with you and god bless,

Saturday, June 6, 2009

i don't know.

ok so i know that it's been a really long time since i have blogged. but i have been sooooo extreamly busy. between my sister coming to visit for a week from missouri and us getting ready to move and what not it has been pure craziness around here. plus on top of that hayden has gotten all 4 of his I teeth. and they all came in at the same time. ugh it has been like 3 weeks of hell. my house has been in an uproar.

i went to my sisters in maine on vacation and when we came home we found out that we could move into the 3 bdrm appartment that was avalible. so as of july 1st we can start to move in. so between me and my mom we need to move everything in our house to the other house. oh boy this is going to be interesting.but i know one things for sure i will love to have my bdrm back to myself again. hayden will be in his own room. maybe then i will be able to sleep past 5am.

on top of all of this i am also getting ready for my birthday. it is in a little over a week and i can't wait. i will be 25 this year. it's crazy how fast time goes by. some times you don't realize it untill your birthday comes back around. lol.

Friday, May 8, 2009

it's been a while

i know it's been a while since my last blog but ihave been super busy with havng to take hayden to the doctors and him being sick and everything. he is starting to feel better so that is good. i thought he would be sick for a lot longer than what he was. my poor baby. i fely so helpless. like i had no idea what to do because his doctor waas not really helping me out. go firgure right.

i guess i just didn't know what to expect when he first got sick.

you know i was laying in bed last night and all i could think of was that this will be my 2nd mothers day. i can't believe it. it seems like i just brought hayden home frome the hospital but here he is going to be 2 this year. what happend to the little baby that i brought home.i feel like he went from being a little baby to being a toddler all in like 48 hours. just everything is going by so quickly and i can't believe it. there have been so many times where i have wanted to have that little baby back because then i imight sleep through the night again, but then again maybe not. so i guess it's a toss up between wanting the little baby back and having the toddler. i mean he is a lot more fun being a toddler and some of the things that he does is just too funny at times. but i miss the little popye face that he used to give everyone. and he used to soooo easy to carry around now i get a workout just by picking him i know that sounds really bad on my part because he weights so much but he is happy and healthy so i guess that's all that matters at the moment.

i just recently decided to just take a day at a time and see how that goes instead of just planning ahead all the time. i don't think that i can live my life like that anymore. it was just too busy and i never found any time for myself unless my mom was home. i hated running around constantly. and i was always so tired. now i don't know if this is going to work out for me but it is worth a try right. as my mom would say you have to give it the old college try.

there have been so many times where i don't know what i would without my mom in my life. she means the world to me. and in the past i know that i have not said all the "thank yous" and the "pleases" that i should have said but my mom is my best friend. we go out shopping together and out to dinner, we rent movies together and everything. she is a huge part of my life. there was once in my life that i was so afraid that i was going to loose her and that was in 2006 when she had a heartattack. i blam it on that damn big mac from mcdonalds the night before. but shse just laughs at me. i just hope she understands and knows just how much she means to me and how much i love her.

i know this blog is kinda all over the place but right now that is how the inside of my head is. it's like everything is all jumbled up like the street light went out and everyone just thinks it's their turn to go even though the person across the street has been waiting forever to turn the corner messed up. i gueess my head just gets overloaded with things that it just does not know what to do with it all. i don't know after a while everything gets all sorted out. and it all goes back to somewhat normal.

Friday, May 1, 2009

i guess i just don't care anymore.

Why does it seems like so many people just look right by me.
It's like I'm not the pretty or popular girl so no one wants me.
I will akways be the friend or just the girl that no one thinks of in a romantic way.
I just don't see why I'm so different than any other girl in the world.
I mean what makes me seem like I'm not datable.
Why do I always have to be left behind? What is it about me that guys don't find attractive? i just don't get it.
Why can't guys just look past the way that i look and see the real me. the me that's on the inside.
The me that really should count.
I am not the type of girl that is all into clothes and looks. so what? why do all girls have to fit this mold for guys.
Guys think that all girls should be skinny and wear 10 pounds of make-up and have their hair done all the time.

thanks for letting me vent.

Thursday, April 30, 2009

it's been a while

i know that it has been a while since i have blogged but i have been so damn busy.
hayden has been back and forth to the docotors so many times this month that i have lost count of how many times he has been.
they have done blood tests and poop samples to see if they can find out why he has been sick for so long,
to have them all come back negitive.
so as of right now everything is alright,
his eatting habits have gone to normal, if you can call it that.
he is eatting everything in sight it is crazy. it seems like all he does is eat now.
the past couple of days it seems like he is eatting enough for like 3 kids instead of just 1.
but i have to admit i am happy that everything came back normal. i was kinda afraid that there was something really wrong.
he was so funny today, i let him out of the play pen and he walked right into the kitchen and went into one of the draws under the counter and grabbed granola bar and handed it right to me.
it's like he knows what he can take and what he can't, he's so smart.
he amazes me everyday with everything that he does, and some of the things that he does make me wonder where he learned them from.
they are the kind of things that make you cock your head to the side and say "what the hell are you doing" type of thing.
he is deffenitly a comedian. he has me laughing all the time. he is just too funny.
you know i look at him during the day or i just sit there and watching sleeping at night and i am so thankful to have him in my life. he really truly is a blessing all in his own, and i thank god everyday that i have him.

Saturday, April 18, 2009


ok so this is all new to me.....but here it goes.

So a little bit about me. I am a single/first time mommy. and i couldn't imagine my life without my son. i am the youngest out of 4 girls. and i have a big family. i have a nephew and 4 nieces. all ranging between 23-12. my family is kinda spread out around the us. my oldest sister-her husband and two daughters (including my nephew) are in maine. and then my second to the oldest sister -her twin daughters and my twin sister live in missouri. and then me,my mom and my son all live in massachusetts.

i am a pretty happy person. and i am kinda easy going, i am easy to get along with untill someone makes me angry. i love to spend time with my family and friends. i love to go to the beach and being in the sun. i like to watch movies and go shopping. (but what woman doesn't like to shop)

in july of 2005 i lost my nephew to a tragic accident. he drowned while spending a hot day at a local natural made swimming hole (in maine) with my sister, and nieces. and when he was on his way back to the other side where my sister was he got stuck in the middle. and then soon realized that he could not make it back to the bank where everyone was. he then started to call for help and started to thrash around franticly. when my sister and my nieces saw him doing this they all thought that he was just joking around like always(he was a very joking kind of guy,very funny) so they didn't think anything about it.but when he started doing it even more and thrashing even harder that is when my sister was alerted and started to panick. she then decided to swim in to see if she could help him but when she got to him he was so frantic that he just started to grab her and he was trying to pull her down with him. so she had to let go and call for my oldest niece to come in and help her out. well then the people on the banks around them started to get worried and some of the decided to go and help them and others called 911. well i guess he finally went down and my sister went back to shore and called my mom (that was back at my oldest sisters house) and the ambulance finally arrived (he had been down for about 15mins) and they had the dive team go down and look for him. they pulled him out and they started cpr and by then my brother in law had arrived and said that he would follow the ambulance to the hospital. so my sister,my mom and my twin sister all went to the hospital as well after my other nieces were dropped back off with neighbors. when my nephew got to the hospital they had him on life support and the doctors had told my sisters,mom and brother in law that if they were to keep him on life support he would be a vegetable for the rest of his life so my sister and brother in law decided to take him off,and let him go. because my twin sister was there when it happend she had to identify my nephew's body (i think that was the hardest thing she has ever done in her life) and because he was an organ doner all of his organs were donated to people.

i miss him more and more everyday and i hope and pray to god that he will bring him back to me and my family, but i know that will never happen. there has been so many times since he passed away where i have felt like he is here with me. like in the corner of a room where i am watching over me. but i don't know what to think of that. my nephew was my best friend. he always made me laugh and he was always there for me. if he was still here today he would be turning 23 this year. he was born july 23,1986 and he passed away on july 3,2005. i really hope he is watching over me and my family. but i guess that is all that i can do is hope.

well i guess that is all for now.